So there's some things Ive been thinking about a lot lately...not sure if you are familiar with Matt Maher's song "Lord, I need you." Well if you aren't then you should be because its nothing short of amaze-balls (your welcome for that abbreviation, J). I feel like its kinda been my anthem over this last year. For some reason and please tell me I'm not alone in this but for some reason, I thought as I grew older, I would become more capable, more together and sadly more autonomous. My need for others and my need for Christ would be fulfilled and I would grow more complete in terms of neediness, not searching for things or people to fill me because I would be spiritually mature and no longer an "infant" in the spiritual realm. Well turns out I've been completely wrong. I'm not sure that these were conscious thoughts, but more of the product of our world and my sin nature. Over the course of becoming a parent, I've come to the drastic realization that I need Jesus way more than I ever thought possible. My need for Him grows more and more dire every year. I can't make it on my own, and though I hope my spiritual maturity is growing and developing, its in stark contrast to the things of this world. Stark contrast to the way the world measures success and maturity.
It isn't of this world to see need as a sign of maturity...
If neediness is immaturity then I don't care how immature I look because my friends, I desperately need Jesus. I need Him from the moment I rise in the morning to the moment I lay my head down. I need Him to give me strength, I need Him to give me patience, I need Him to give me grace, I need Him to equip me to love and serve, to listen and speak wisdom, to trust and believe. And some days, I just flat need Him to carry me through the day because I'm so tired and worn out, spread thin and weary.
I need Him, every hour I need Him. I don't want to be autonomous, this mothering/wife gig is hard. It goes against everything in my nature to put these little people and my hubby first. EVERYTHING...seriously, I am selfish and it ain't pretty. I hope I'm not alone in this, but if I am then thats ok, because I'm needy and I don't care who knows it!